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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2016 20:10:25 GMT
Hello,
New to this group. Not sure how this forum works. Never been in one. I have been so lost and in so much pain. It felt unbearable carrying it alone. Don't have much support. As much as being estranged hurts I am more afraid for my ES safety than anything because he took it to an extreme. I feel powerless. How can I help someone that doesn't want it. It's killing me to see him self destruct.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2016 20:17:14 GMT
Hi Devastated, Welcome to SpeakUp, you don't need to feel alone anymore. You're not!! In what way did your ES take it to an extreme? We're all here walking the same path and some of us have very similar stories. You may find other's who share what you're going through. Have a look around the forum, take your time, you'll soon see how it all works. You can message admin anytime you need anything (IgaveUpNowWhat, NoMoreDramaMom, HogAss or myself) we're here to help. Hang in there, it DOES get easier. Hugs NewJoy xx
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2016 21:22:56 GMT
NewJoy
I don't even know where to begin. My 23 yr old ES started drinking heavily, smoking pot (at least that's all I think it is) and started to act out. He started to steal from me and after so many different types of incidents I gave him an ultimatum. He either got help or he had to leave. (I have a 15 yr old I have to think about). He decided to move in with his girlfriend and her family.
After 6 months they got kicked out because they are abusive towards each other. I found out after he begged me to let them come stay with me for 3 months until they found another place otherwise they would be homeless. I would only take him if he got help but he insisted that she had no where to go. I let them come in spite of my better judgement. They got so out of hand they destroyed parts of the room they stayed in and it escalated to where the police had to be called. I did research and spoke to her family and they said she was never homeless. My son has been lying and manipulating me for a long time and I guess I didn't want to accept it. I asked her to leave and asked him to agree to get help and get himself stable. She went home and convinced him to leave with her and sleep on the streets until they found a place.
He has been living in the streets for the last 7 months. He refuses to come home and has cut off all communication with anyone in our family. Everyone is angry at him. I am the only one who seems to be carrying this unbearable grief. He only contacts me when he hasn't been able to get food for a while or wants money. At first I would give in to meet his basic needs. However, I soon started to feel as though I was enabling him by doing so and cut him off for good. He is very angry towards me. He hates me. He came over a week ago for something and got aggressive because I wouldn't give it to him. He triggered my PTSD. (I was in two very abusive relationships with the fathers of my two kids) I had to call the police on my ES. It was the worse feeling in the world. I do not wish that on anyone. He left before the police came and they told me I don't really have options on how to help him.
I blame myself for all of this. I was not in a good place (I have been abused most of my life). I was the one in the relationships. Although the abuse was towards me and I protected my kids like a lioness it still affected them. I have a million what if's but then again I know that I cannot completely regret the relationships because I would not have had my kids or be who I am today.
When I got out of the second relationship we were able to get help. My daughter and I went all in to the individual and group counseling and are now in a much better place. My son refused and continues to refuse to get help. I don't know what I can do. I think that maybe it would be a little more bearable if I knew he had a place to stay and was stable or maybe I'm just kidding myself.
I joined this group because I couldn't keep it in any longer. My family acts as if he never existed. My daughter is angry with him and gets angry with me if she sees me cry for him. So I bury it as deep as I can and put on a face and try to go through the motions. I found your group last week when I was googling how to reach out to an estranged child on their birthday. Didn't think this happened often. Sad and relieved to see that I am not alone.
I'm sorry for making it long.
devastated1
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Post by IGaveUpNowWhat on Aug 4, 2016 22:02:31 GMT
Don't be sorry! None of our stories are too long, but every single one of them is too sad. <<hugs>>
Devastated, he's drinking too much and weeding. . .as long as he is dealing with life that way you can't help him. No one can! He's the one who has to decide that his current lifestyle isn't working out, and he evidently hasn't discovered that yet. :-(
Are you still in therapy? I think the advice the police gave you is harsh -- but I also think it's true. It might be worthwhile to talk things over with your (trusted) therapist. S/He may not have any advice about how to deal with your son, but s/he may indeed give you some ideas about how to get through this very trying time.
In the meantime, I hope you take those million "what ifs" and toss them into the nearest trash can. Be sure you lock it shut or secure the lid down with heavy stones!! "What if" benefits no one. We did what we did because we believed it was what we had to do. . . and the minute we realized it wasn't working, we worked on changing it! <-----that is the lesson your son *could* have learned from you, had he chosen to do so. But he didn't. That's not your fault. Unless, of course, you had the power to physically climb into his head and rearrange his brain cells, but I don't think you had that power, did you?
<<hugs>>
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Post by IGaveUpNowWhat on Aug 4, 2016 22:16:28 GMT
P.S. Moved this from the Glad You're Here place. :-)
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ina
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Post by ina on Aug 4, 2016 22:57:27 GMT
Devastated, As a very young adult,my little ray of sunshine took off after a row too many. I found out later she & her partner lived on the streets after outstaying their welcome at a friend's house. I imagined them sleeping in doorways but found out later they use to sleep in A&E hospital waiting rooms..visiting a different hospital each night. The friend let them use his address as a permanent address so they were able to claim some money to live on.
So I do know how very worried & helpless you must feel.
I agree with everything people have said so far about your son having to want to change .There is one thing you might try & that is to seek advice from organisations that try to help people living on the street. These guys have seen it all and their advice will therefore be very relevant.
Big hugs.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2016 3:21:57 GMT
Devastated, It's terrible to worry over things we can't control. It's useless too, but guess we all do it to some extent.
You're right about having a 15 year old to be responsible for. PLUS!!! You must think of yourself a little. You won't be worth much to your 15 year old if you're a complete wreck. And you've been though enough. Take care of yourself for a change.
Hopefully, I don't come off as being to harsh.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2016 3:26:52 GMT
Welcome devastated! So sorry for all your hardships. I hope you find all the support you need here. I am glad you realize already you are not alone in your situation, but I am sorry it happened to any of us! I am sorry to say that where drugs, alcohol and physical abuse are involved, the situation is fairly unworkable, at least it was for me. I hope all our children bet the help they need.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2016 10:28:07 GMT
Oh darlin' - you are SO NOT ALONE!!!!!! Finding these wonderful friends was THE BEST THING that happened to me during THE WORST TIME of my life!!! PLEASE stick around and let us hold your heart thru this...
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New Here
Aug 5, 2016 12:41:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2016 12:41:04 GMT
Hi Devastated, I'm so sorry. I spent years with my ES going through nearly the same as you. Even him being homeless, one counselor told him, after finding me, that you have a mom who loves you, go home. I didn't realize love wasn't enough. I thought it should have been. Later, he was put in a half way house and I talked to the head of the House if I could bring a cake, ballons and a card. It was his 21st birthday. I put one of those music candles on it. He sent me a letter 2 weeks later trying to apologize. He talked me into paying his fine to get him out. It was a hefty amount. No matter what, I kept bailing him out. I heard sorry after sorry from him. Already in his 30's, I walked 2 years' ago tomorrow. His father was an alcoholic and abusive, but he is still in EC's life now. I could blame myself but I don't think so. We all have choices and yes things affect us all differently but you sound like a wonderful caring mom. Glad you are reaching out with your 15-year old. Focus, positive energy on her. She is important. You are important. I know she gets upset and even though you keep it inside - kids have a way of knowing their parent's internalized pain. All I can say from experience is that peace, laughter, joy and learning to move forward does come around. I won't say that memories are not milestones but push hard to do fun things, go to fun places. Not sure what you and your daughter like to do but find new things, if you can. At least you've come here, it is a wonderful forum with some of the best caring folks. Hugs Sunny
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2016 14:17:01 GMT
Hi Devastated, so sorry to hear of another addiction story...it causes so much grief. You are not alone, a lot of us have been there (in fact I'm there right now with a 30 year old stepson who is now addicted to alcohol. Just got put in jail for assaulting his mother). Focus on your daughter and use the wonderful people on this forum to help you work through the pain with your son. What is happening to you is exactly the same things I am going through right now. What I'm learning (and what the hospital workers have told us as he's been in 4 times in 6 weeks for alcohol poisoning) is that they alone must find their way out of this and they must pay the consequences of their actions or they won't learn. While your son is very mad at you now, you must protect yourself and your daughter and he needs to learn boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not. Hopefully it will sink in soon, and he will end up respecting you that you drew the line and won't tolerate the bad treatment. Big HUGS.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2016 14:34:31 GMT
Oh, those dastardly what-if's, Devasted - what I did-didn't-could-have-dones - Another poster said something like "I did a thousand things wrong and ten thousand things right." Keep those ten thousand things in mind. Peace.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2016 15:41:25 GMT
Welcome to PEACE Devastated1. I am sorry you have the circumstances going on that have brought you here, but you are in a safe and supportive place. Love your avatar...Eyore was always my favorite as I have a thing for donkeys!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2016 15:51:30 GMT
Welcome Devastated1, your not alone. What a feeling of relief I felt when I found this group on another site. I would read and read all the posts for days, and make my husband read some of them. For a long time we felt we were the only ones, and how can you talk to friends and even some family members when what your experiencing seems surreal. Estrangement is painful, and I am glad you are here.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2016 23:14:51 GMT
Thank you all for your hugs and warmest welcome. Made me cry but a good kind. I feel I have found a place where others can truly relate and understand how hard this is. I don't think that telling me that there is not much I can do is harsh at all. I've known this all along due to my own healing. I understand that only he can save himself. I've always thought I was a good mom simply because I tried to do better than what I had. But like someone else had posted sometimes love just isn't enough. What I'm struggling with is not feeling guilt. I work in Education and it is ingrained in us that kids are a reflection of the parenting they receive at home. I am trying to get myself to a point to where I see that I did the best I could under the circumstances.
IGaveUpNowWhat, I haven't been in therapy in over 3 years. I was thinking of going back but I wasn't sure I was ready to really deal with all of this. I agree with you on working on changing my situation. It took all I had to get out of that last bad situation and I worked real hard to heal, move on and not let the bitterness set in. I did it for me and my kids sake. That is one of the things I told him. I have been through so much and I chose not to be the victim but to be a survivor instead. In one of the other threads here, someone said that their parents were not that great but never in a million years did they ever think of cutting ties with them. I feel the same way. My mother was a single mother and always working. She put me in charge of raising my siblings. I was the adult to them and her. I was resentful but never thought to cut ties. I don't understand why it seems to be so much more common now. What's changed? Did we do this? I wonder because I don't want to make the same mistake with my daughter.
Ina, thank you for the resource. I will definitely check it out.
Sunnydayz53, Yes, I was doing the same with my son. I would run to "bail" him out. How can you tell when they are finally ready to change? Can I help him in the process or do I make him do it alone? I am concentrating on my 15 year old and creating new memories but every so often I think of the ones with him and it's like a brand new wound all over again. That is why I joined this group. I felt I needed a place to let it out where I wouldn't be judged.
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