ina
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Post by ina on Aug 6, 2016 0:50:13 GMT
The proverb "until you walk a mile in my shoes do not judge me" is very apt when it comes to estrangement. Estrangement is one of those subjects that is so unsettling to others that they prefer to pretend it doesn't exist. Blaming the parents presupposes the child would have grown up to be perfectly "normal" if they had had a normal childhood. It does not take into account any predisposition in the "child's character to addictions, shallow thinking,laziness etc or indeed any of the adverse personality traits.
One of the things I have learnt during estrangement is that those judgements that are made without sufficient experience & understanding should not be accepted as being the truth .
If you read many of the stories on here you will probably notice there are common behavioural patterns & triggers ..one of which is the presence of a boyfriend or girl friend. In quite a few cases this relationship was the touch paper for the estrangement...sometimes only happening after marriage & sometimes before.
Hugs.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2016 1:05:33 GMT
ina
I think it's made it worse to have my family and the people I thought I could count on pretend it doesn't exist. I see he patterns and wonder if this could've been avoided. I guess I'm just trying to make sense of it all. It doesn't make any sense to me.
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ina
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Post by ina on Aug 6, 2016 1:25:36 GMT
Not being able to understand the reasons for estrangement is something that bugs most of us too!!
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Aug 6, 2016 1:39:31 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2016 1:39:31 GMT
Hi Devastated,
Boy, honestly that is a tough one. I can give you stories I haven't thought about in years. I'm willing to share. To answer your question, I thought I knew he had changed (no longer drinking or whatever else), but he didn't, he just found how to hide it really well. A highly functional alcoholic (this is actually a term), I knew it about his dad and so I had to learn he did the same. It wasn't always visible because he did not live with me. His sister, my now ED, suffered as a result because I did not give her the upbringing she deserved because I was too wrapped up in his crap. By the time I should have stopped trying to take care of him, my most precious bonding and years prior were gone with my ED.
I think if I had let go, when he was young, I'm not sure he would have stopped or survived. I can't even tell you, if I had to do it all over again, I would have done the same. I would have been smarter though. I wasn't rich by any means but I gave more than I should have financially. I think if you help him, it's not so much that he will stop his alcohol intake but "most of all" when you stop enabling his behaviour towards you. It is called excruciating TOUGH love. You can open your heart but close the physical door to your home and money especially ANY kind of abuse, because it's not ok! If my ES needed anything, I bought it for him!
A parent, especially towards an (adolescent/adult) child, wants to rescue them. They know this and know how to manipulate the heart strings. One of the biggest things my ES would do is call and say, "Oh, I was so afraid to call, I hate asking you for anything." Oh oh oh....looking back, it was awesome his game. As soon as he got whatever he needed, I didn't hear from him again, until the next time. But I still had hope. I won't lie - walking away is difficult because you've truly had it, you'll know.
I hope your story is different than mine. One more thing, I even offered to pay his college...that too didn't last long.
Sunny
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2016 1:41:30 GMT
Feeling bad as I sense my family history of alcoholism and abuse and violence(I did not do either) has been a legacy and a prescription for my failed relationship with my son. I tried so hard in hopes of at the very least he would not reject me. Did not expect him to love me a lot but possibly like me a little. I feel I am paying for all my family abuse
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2016 2:16:29 GMT
Interesting that you say that Ann. I too tried so hard as a parent because I felt abandoned by my parents. Is it possible that I did too much and bred someone who feels such a high sense of entitlement?
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2016 2:50:05 GMT
Oh Ann and devastated how hard. I have had similar thoughts and they are such a burden to carry. These thoughts compound an already difficult situation filled with grief. I desperately and determinedly forgave everybody for everything plus asked God to forgive me and my ancestors for everything and that is the only way the awful feeling of being cursed and bearing the brunt of the actions of others in my family ever stopped. I would not have survived without the forgiveness process. It worked for me in a deep and I pray, an irrevocable way. Hope this helps! <hugs>
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2016 22:36:11 GMT
I used to buy into the theory that kids are a reflection of the parenting they receive. No way do I believe that any longer. Kids are a reflection of what they let into their lives, be it people, ideas, theories, etc. Many of us have seen our children who totally changed who they were when someone came into their lives and influenced them.
As for how can you tell when they are finally ready to change? When they change. They have to decide to make changes in themselves, we can't help them. They need to find the desire to change and the method to make those changes happen. I know what you are going through, we're waiting ourselves for an addict to change and of course the EC to find himself again.
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